Today I am only used trash. It is as if it was what I was put on this world to be. This is the person I can connect to - I know her well. I am her. I am obsessed with the stories of others. I hope to connect with a group moving forward, I hope to take the piercing power away from the word - I except to gain the knowledge of how to stop it the next time as I trust there will be a next time.
I looked forward to coming to work today so I could read research and review those in my similar situation. I want someone to stop this train and yet I avoid the work responsibilities that lay before me.
I am preparing myself for the next time. I have to make myself stronger and more resilient; strong enough to handle the pain of being at the will of another or strong enough to fight for life to remain within my being?
Am I sending myself into a panic? I search for answers to too many questions, trying to avoid the questions. I want the story, the details, the time line, the colors and the names. I trust myself to handle the answers. “Give me all you can I’ll let you know (never) when I can not tolerate anymore.”
I want to know this hasn’t broken me; I need to know this is (was) not my purpose; I want desperately to believe I will have a loving, compassionate, gentle relationship with intimacy. God show me how to start with you…and yet I want to move through You quickly to “him.”
Slow me down Father for I desire to find a loving, compassionate, gentle, relationship of complete intimacy in YOU first!
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