I review the significance of my journey; searching for purpose, validation, understanding and acceptance. Hope stands with great intimidation before me and I clutch it mightily only to let go of it during times terror. Healing comes after the waves of my ferocious reality. God leaves the healing of my soul complete as He searches the open areas of my heart in effort to wash clean the stains I have based my identity on.
I find consistently that only one thing remains true. One thing stays unwavering. There is one thing doesn't deplete, threaten or confuse me; My Heavenly Father. The greatest and yet the simplest thing I have learned to stand on is that God loves me. My Heavenly Father has allowed our relationship to be redefined. He and I are creating from scratch a new foundation; one that is withholding the most terrorizing of my storms. His love captivates all of me. He has paid the price for my future and my PAST.
The darkest clouds of this journey are lined in the silver blaze of Christ, not whom I meet after walking through the storm but who stands in the midst of it with me as my anchor. Above all hope, desire and restitution my relationship with God, real and authentic, is worth a thousand days of darkness. He is ever faithful, ever true.
He tells me I deserve His love - a love relationship He died for.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
the ugly truth
Today I am only used trash. It is as if it was what I was put on this world to be. This is the person I can connect to - I know her well. I am her. I am obsessed with the stories of others. I hope to connect with a group moving forward, I hope to take the piercing power away from the word - I except to gain the knowledge of how to stop it the next time as I trust there will be a next time.
I looked forward to coming to work today so I could read research and review those in my similar situation. I want someone to stop this train and yet I avoid the work responsibilities that lay before me.
I am preparing myself for the next time. I have to make myself stronger and more resilient; strong enough to handle the pain of being at the will of another or strong enough to fight for life to remain within my being?
Am I sending myself into a panic? I search for answers to too many questions, trying to avoid the questions. I want the story, the details, the time line, the colors and the names. I trust myself to handle the answers. “Give me all you can I’ll let you know (never) when I can not tolerate anymore.”
I want to know this hasn’t broken me; I need to know this is (was) not my purpose; I want desperately to believe I will have a loving, compassionate, gentle relationship with intimacy. God show me how to start with you…and yet I want to move through You quickly to “him.”
Slow me down Father for I desire to find a loving, compassionate, gentle, relationship of complete intimacy in YOU first!
I looked forward to coming to work today so I could read research and review those in my similar situation. I want someone to stop this train and yet I avoid the work responsibilities that lay before me.
I am preparing myself for the next time. I have to make myself stronger and more resilient; strong enough to handle the pain of being at the will of another or strong enough to fight for life to remain within my being?
Am I sending myself into a panic? I search for answers to too many questions, trying to avoid the questions. I want the story, the details, the time line, the colors and the names. I trust myself to handle the answers. “Give me all you can I’ll let you know (never) when I can not tolerate anymore.”
I want to know this hasn’t broken me; I need to know this is (was) not my purpose; I want desperately to believe I will have a loving, compassionate, gentle relationship with intimacy. God show me how to start with you…and yet I want to move through You quickly to “him.”
Slow me down Father for I desire to find a loving, compassionate, gentle, relationship of complete intimacy in YOU first!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
To my audience of one
I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am
To my audience of oneYou are Father, and you are Son As your spirit flows free, Let it find within me A heart that beats to praise you. And now just to know you more Has become my great reward To see your kingdom come And your will be done I only desire to be yours, Lord.
So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that you’ve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility
And Lord as the love song
Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to your name
~Big Daddy Weave
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am
To my audience of oneYou are Father, and you are Son As your spirit flows free, Let it find within me A heart that beats to praise you. And now just to know you more Has become my great reward To see your kingdom come And your will be done I only desire to be yours, Lord.
So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that you’ve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility
And Lord as the love song
Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to your name
~Big Daddy Weave
Running to God
The direction of my spiritual ambivalence is being resolved. God in his faithful way shows me again my healing is complete through Him. My stuff keeps bubbling up and He and I deal with it; I am not as gentle with myself as He is but I trust that will come as healing continues.
No ways, I had an epiphany. Well, maybe not so much an epiphany as a genuine moment of acceptance. A new level of accepting that I can’t do this "above all else guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" ( Proverbs 4:23) without God. The epiphany is (was) though I want to be the one in charge of my heart, I don’t really do a good job of protecting it but maybe He would.
We read a verse during the week of our study and it has NOT left my thoughts: "God has set eternity in the human heart" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Not only do I search for eternity in things outside of God but I attempt to make the things close to my heart eternal. Wow, what a concept. The desires I have that do not include God don’t make me this horrible, unworthy daughter because that is the inclination of my heart. God in His loving wanting of me wants to not only protect my heart’s desires for the eternal but He also asked me to consider adding Him to list of desires!
How is it that He asks me to love him?
The Bible tells me (paraphrased) that my heart, the wellspring of life, was fearfully and wonderfully and carefully and thoughtfully designed to love the greatest and grandest of beings. My heart was designed to love God. I am stepping into a new level of my trust in God. Could He possible care that much – I am beginning to think so and it is humbling.
To guard this heart we must direct this wellspring to that which it is designed to love. It is not ultimately designed for anything LESS than The Eternal. To direct this pulsating passion to little things is not guarding our hearts but frustrating our hearts. "More!"our hearts rightfully beat. I was designed for The Eternal! Don’t ruin me with little things. Guard me. Protect me. Care for me. Guard me, protect me and care for me by setting me free and letting me RUN TO THE ONLY GOD grand enough and great enough to bring me ultimate satisfaction.
"Run to God"
"Run to God" That statement brings tears to my eyes…run to God, running to God.
I am running to God.
No ways, I had an epiphany. Well, maybe not so much an epiphany as a genuine moment of acceptance. A new level of accepting that I can’t do this "above all else guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" ( Proverbs 4:23) without God. The epiphany is (was) though I want to be the one in charge of my heart, I don’t really do a good job of protecting it but maybe He would.
We read a verse during the week of our study and it has NOT left my thoughts: "God has set eternity in the human heart" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Not only do I search for eternity in things outside of God but I attempt to make the things close to my heart eternal. Wow, what a concept. The desires I have that do not include God don’t make me this horrible, unworthy daughter because that is the inclination of my heart. God in His loving wanting of me wants to not only protect my heart’s desires for the eternal but He also asked me to consider adding Him to list of desires!
How is it that He asks me to love him?
The Bible tells me (paraphrased) that my heart, the wellspring of life, was fearfully and wonderfully and carefully and thoughtfully designed to love the greatest and grandest of beings. My heart was designed to love God. I am stepping into a new level of my trust in God. Could He possible care that much – I am beginning to think so and it is humbling.
To guard this heart we must direct this wellspring to that which it is designed to love. It is not ultimately designed for anything LESS than The Eternal. To direct this pulsating passion to little things is not guarding our hearts but frustrating our hearts. "More!"our hearts rightfully beat. I was designed for The Eternal! Don’t ruin me with little things. Guard me. Protect me. Care for me. Guard me, protect me and care for me by setting me free and letting me RUN TO THE ONLY GOD grand enough and great enough to bring me ultimate satisfaction.
"Run to God"
"Run to God" That statement brings tears to my eyes…run to God, running to God.
I am running to God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)