New Mercies, everyday

I am an adulterous woman God. I have other Gods and I consciously choose them over You. I am aware of my betrayal and sometimes that reality manages to connect with my heart and I try to push you away. I let you know "this is a good time, appropriate time, for you to leave me now God." Yet....you haven't and today You remind me "I will never let you go, Amy."

My hope, Your Sovereignty

God, You were so sweet to me yesterday and I'll confess I am slow to put my hope in your mercy as a resolve. God the days of September have been filled with moments of confusion, anxiety, and emotional discomfort; really these words dilute those emotions. As one that values my desire and ability to express myself I find myself (even in hindsight) unable to articulate this state of emotions.
God I've wondered are my emotions lying to me? Have I become a slave to their direction? Am I searching for words when You are asking me to search for You, rest in you or, perhaps, just shut up and listen? Oh geeze Father....do You see where I go? When I stand under this shadow I am unable to express my heart, I am disconnected and I find myself in a free fall.
Your mercy tells me, this free fall is what it feels like to have released control; anxiety and raw emotion abound.

Truth is, I am stretched. I am stretched at work with daily required activities that are constantly labeled CRITICAL and URGENT. I am stretched in my relationships as I venture out of the 4 safe walls of my home and allow myself "do life" with a few new friends. I am stretched in my friendships as I've stopped jockying to take the role of the giver and I practice receiving. I am exposing myself in a new way to my current community hopeful for Godly and healthy connection, connection I have limited ability to receive. I am stretched in my leadership as I've submitted myself to under the gifts of 6 leaders that lead 15 others in a ministry that carries the passion of my heart. I liken it to trusting others to raise my own children; Your children.

My hands are wide open, my heart is walking out of isolation and my spirit has found a new canyon to soar over. I am LETTING GO.


Today after confessing "I don't understand the confusion, I cant name or remove it" I've chosen to stand in it and worship the Sovereign God I know in expectancy."

Permission to Lament

If we wish to invite a dying culture-that flirts with knowing life is neither easy, nor good to consider the gospel, then we must learn to sing songs that face life with both honesty and hope. We need to learn to lament. We will consider the language of lament and the place for lament-the community of God. We need to learn to get out of the way of those that cry out, stand as a vessel of God's truth, not as a God.

A lament is the battle cry against God that paradoxically voice a heart of desire and ironic faith in His goodness. We fear lament as a quick slide into doubt and despair, failing to see that doubt and despair are the darker soil that is necessary to grow confidence and joy.

When our doubt and despair are turned towards our neighbors, they mock us we miss the gift of the cry. Isn't it God who is behind the permissions and direction of our suffering?

Dan Allander says "Radical pain is required before we are prone to surrender to His goodness. The pain and the struggle are not to be glorified, but it seems to be provoked by God; therefore, it is part of the process of our transformation."

push and P U L L

I suppose there are always times in my (our) life when allowing yourself to be vulernable will lead to a painful situation. I have friends, family members, and lovers that come and go with the seasons of my life. As I look back these have been decision in my control for the most part; until recently. Few times in my life have I been the one standing at the door watching my love drive away; today that reality sets in.

Good close friends can't possibly stay close always. Things change, people get married, have children, move or find new jobs.

How do you know you matter to someone? How do you feel, connect and trust without wearing myself or them out? Trusting feels like I am giving myself away. Connecting feels like an opened door to unwarranted pain. Feeling traps my thoughts as undefinable.

What I have done is left first. Close down. Pull away. Put myself in the situation where I am in control. I get to decided when the friendship is redefined; it is on my terms.

*written years ago but REAL today