I am an adulterous woman God. I have other Gods and I consciously choose them over You. I am aware of my betrayal and sometimes that reality manages to connect with my heart and I try to push you away. I let you know "this is a good time, appropriate time, for you to leave me now God." Yet....you haven't and today You remind me "I will never let you go, Amy."
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My hope, Your Sovereignty
God, You were so sweet to me yesterday and I'll confess I am slow to put my hope in your mercy as a resolve. God the days of September have been filled with moments of confusion, anxiety, and emotional discomfort; really these words dilute those emotions. As one that values my desire and ability to express myself I find myself (even in hindsight) unable to articulate this state of emotions.
God I've wondered are my emotions lying to me? Have I become a slave to their direction? Am I searching for words when You are asking me to search for You, rest in you or, perhaps, just shut up and listen? Oh geeze Father....do You see where I go? When I stand under this shadow I am unable to express my heart, I am disconnected and I find myself in a free fall.
Your mercy tells me, this free fall is what it feels like to have released control; anxiety and raw emotion abound.
Truth is, I am stretched. I am stretched at work with daily required activities that are constantly labeled CRITICAL and URGENT. I am stretched in my relationships as I venture out of the 4 safe walls of my home and allow myself "do life" with a few new friends. I am stretched in my friendships as I've stopped jockying to take the role of the giver and I practice receiving. I am exposing myself in a new way to my current community hopeful for Godly and healthy connection, connection I have limited ability to receive. I am stretched in my leadership as I've submitted myself to under the gifts of 6 leaders that lead 15 others in a ministry that carries the passion of my heart. I liken it to trusting others to raise my own children; Your children.
My hands are wide open, my heart is walking out of isolation and my spirit has found a new canyon to soar over. I am LETTING GO.
Today after confessing "I don't understand the confusion, I cant name or remove it" I've chosen to stand in it and worship the Sovereign God I know in expectancy."
God I've wondered are my emotions lying to me? Have I become a slave to their direction? Am I searching for words when You are asking me to search for You, rest in you or, perhaps, just shut up and listen? Oh geeze Father....do You see where I go? When I stand under this shadow I am unable to express my heart, I am disconnected and I find myself in a free fall.
Your mercy tells me, this free fall is what it feels like to have released control; anxiety and raw emotion abound.
Truth is, I am stretched. I am stretched at work with daily required activities that are constantly labeled CRITICAL and URGENT. I am stretched in my relationships as I venture out of the 4 safe walls of my home and allow myself "do life" with a few new friends. I am stretched in my friendships as I've stopped jockying to take the role of the giver and I practice receiving. I am exposing myself in a new way to my current community hopeful for Godly and healthy connection, connection I have limited ability to receive. I am stretched in my leadership as I've submitted myself to under the gifts of 6 leaders that lead 15 others in a ministry that carries the passion of my heart. I liken it to trusting others to raise my own children; Your children.
My hands are wide open, my heart is walking out of isolation and my spirit has found a new canyon to soar over. I am LETTING GO.
Today after confessing "I don't understand the confusion, I cant name or remove it" I've chosen to stand in it and worship the Sovereign God I know in expectancy."
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