Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Perfect through Suffering
I sit by invitation with men and women that have experienced soul damaging abuse. Gut wrenching stories pour out of the basement of their tender shattered hearts. It is more than horrific how common these stories are; each week, each month and each year they sound different but the remaining damage and despair does not. I've heard a dear friend describe it as an unzipping of one's soul in effort to allow the black slug to ooze out, forever out.
A key to healing is a willingness to feel the pain, experience it and allow Jesus to bear it....instead pain has became the enemy.
I know God sees His children in pain as I watch them wrestle to untangle shame from their Righteousness. I sit quietly as my Spirit matches His gentle groans; his desires to be trusted, His yearning to provide safe comfort and his eagerness to show his children that HE IS DIFFERENT from what they've experienced.
God your tenderness amazes me.
She was 19 when she first said no to her father's sexual advances, never knowing him as anything other than a lover.
He was 11 when the intensity of his shame sent him to explore his little sister's body.
She was 9 when her bully baited her into the house where 2 others wait to rape her.
His love.
I spent years pouring my own dark reality out, clinging to the Cross and in turn receiving comfort and redemption like only He can do. Because of Jesus our pain has a place to go and we too are made perfect in our long suffering, raised in his love better able to love as He does.
Love is GENTLE, PATIENT, KIND and HUMBLE
Love ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes and ALWAYS preserves.
God I claim your Glory for the willing, especially the fearfully willing.
God never stop knocking on the door of our heart's basement.
God hold the seen & unseen damage of these men and women.
God bless their courage with your tangible presence.
God make these stories beautiful with your love that never ends.
God restore your children for your kingdom belongs to them.
Bound to Jesus
Raised in love
Used for His good
Monday, April 2, 2012
A Living Sacrifice
It’s hard to grab a full experience with God in words…especially when it comes to the way His love redeems our brokenness and lifts us up with His Glory!
The way I show up for others continues to change, to grow, to mature....I believe its referred to as santification.
I know the Amy that worked SO hard as a young adult to be enough for others, enough for God, enough to be accepted, enough to be loved, enough to be worth something to Him or anybody for that matter. When those efforts proved futile and exhausting I stopped trying and instead I fed off of any form of love I could find. Years afterwards when my misery and shame where bigger than the broken love I was receiving He was kind enough to expose His voice and heart in my desperation. His bid caused this cripple to run.
So I came home, a prodigal, and was embraced by His amazing love. I walked for years unaware of most things because I was so aware of God’s attention towards me. His love was really all I knew. I existed as a beautiful daughter of the King because I saw and existed in His love for me, in our love for each other. This is the heart I took into leadership.
My inner “older brother” came to a head several months ago as God walked me through our reunion almost 8 years ago. My heart begin to melt as He gave me the vision of our reunion
Me – crawling in shame, desperate and dying
Him – crawling in humility, desperate for His daughter's return.
I watched God (my Father) willing to be on His knees so I would know I was not alone in my mess; so I would know His love was gentle. He was willing to be as small as I felt.
In the midst of this tender moment God revealed the older brother that I’ve come to be; expectant, self sufficient, controlling and anxious. I watched and was broken by my new idol - leadership….a conviction that put me next to both of them in the dirt….in the dirt with my prodigal self and the grace-filled Father; it was a vision of love that brought my heart right to the surface. A reality I have been building my riches in what I can do for Him,instead of Him.
I placed my role in leadership back on His altar and in exchange he's raised the volume of my heart, given back permission for it's tenderness, compassion and empathy.
God, you are always good.
The way I show up for others continues to change, to grow, to mature....I believe its referred to as santification.
I know the Amy that worked SO hard as a young adult to be enough for others, enough for God, enough to be accepted, enough to be loved, enough to be worth something to Him or anybody for that matter. When those efforts proved futile and exhausting I stopped trying and instead I fed off of any form of love I could find. Years afterwards when my misery and shame where bigger than the broken love I was receiving He was kind enough to expose His voice and heart in my desperation. His bid caused this cripple to run.
So I came home, a prodigal, and was embraced by His amazing love. I walked for years unaware of most things because I was so aware of God’s attention towards me. His love was really all I knew. I existed as a beautiful daughter of the King because I saw and existed in His love for me, in our love for each other. This is the heart I took into leadership.
My inner “older brother” came to a head several months ago as God walked me through our reunion almost 8 years ago. My heart begin to melt as He gave me the vision of our reunion
Me – crawling in shame, desperate and dying
Him – crawling in humility, desperate for His daughter's return.
I watched God (my Father) willing to be on His knees so I would know I was not alone in my mess; so I would know His love was gentle. He was willing to be as small as I felt.
In the midst of this tender moment God revealed the older brother that I’ve come to be; expectant, self sufficient, controlling and anxious. I watched and was broken by my new idol - leadership….a conviction that put me next to both of them in the dirt….in the dirt with my prodigal self and the grace-filled Father; it was a vision of love that brought my heart right to the surface. A reality I have been building my riches in what I can do for Him,instead of Him.
I placed my role in leadership back on His altar and in exchange he's raised the volume of my heart, given back permission for it's tenderness, compassion and empathy.
God, you are always good.
Friday, March 2, 2012
NOT long enough
God, it’s the moments when health is being evaluated that I feel most like a mother. I assure these little dogs with the strongest sense of confidence I can muster, just like Caesar says, that they’ll know they are safe in my care. I look in these little faces and all I want them know is that I take very seriously the responsibility to care for, provide, protect and love them. I want them to know that in my care they are safe; in my care they will be deeply loved with sacrifice.
I ask her if she knows her Creator that gave her to me?
Do they have a secret language or maybe an understanding that doesn’t require a language?
Does she know he cares for her?
That he knows the moment she was born?
That He knew she would be mine?
Does she know how much You use her to love me?
Do they know how often you use them to remind me of your unconditional and unfailing love?
God I know I don’t have these girls forever; may I cherish their personalities, every silly look, every frisky race around the couch, the afternoons bathing in the Texas sun and every attempt to join me in bed. God, today the only children I know are causing my heart to explode in love and affection.
The greatest of all affection is that you, God, you mother me the same way. Thank you for allowing me to understand, even if only a fraction, of your love for me through these girls.
Dad, can I have them forever and ever?
I ask her if she knows her Creator that gave her to me?Do they have a secret language or maybe an understanding that doesn’t require a language?
Does she know he cares for her?
That he knows the moment she was born?
That He knew she would be mine?
Does she know how much You use her to love me?
Do they know how often you use them to remind me of your unconditional and unfailing love?
God I know I don’t have these girls forever; may I cherish their personalities, every silly look, every frisky race around the couch, the afternoons bathing in the Texas sun and every attempt to join me in bed. God, today the only children I know are causing my heart to explode in love and affection.
The greatest of all affection is that you, God, you mother me the same way. Thank you for allowing me to understand, even if only a fraction, of your love for me through these girls.
Dad, can I have them forever and ever?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
"I'll take that challenge"
I woke up with Whitney on my mind; her gift, her heart, her family, her legacy and her addiction. Her addiction. The reality of her addiction, her reality of her addiction and my reality of her addiction. I have spent this week hearing the experts discuss the disease of addiction, the enablers in her life, the loss and waste of her gift, the attempts of rehab and the last few weeks of a rise in her addictive behaviors.
I have also spent the better part of a month in a constant state of worship and dialogue with the King of my heart. I am mesmerized by His attention, head over heals in love with my God and a slave to the righteousness he offers. I am receiving, receiving and receiving greater intimacy through the gift of my Father's presence. He has poured Himself over and inside me with such gentle consistency that I have become eager to make more space for more moments with him. I know this time is His gift to me, there’s nothing I've done to create it and yet I am desperate to do all I can to remain in it. In the depth of my core I recognize something rubbing against my availability to him, it’s taking up space, space I want Him to have. Addiction.
There has been something "weird" in my attraction to Whitney's story and the media's nonstop dialogue of her life. Sadness, grief and empathy have certainly passed through me but the "weird" lingers. This morning I watched Oprah's interview with Whitney from years ago and it hit me. Watching fame entangled with the destructions of drug & alcohol addiction gave voice to my own addiction...the lying voice. I watch her and I hear the voice of my own addiction “a thin Amy is a happy Amy, a thin Amy is more beautiful and successful - a thin Amy is the goal.” Bulimia has a voice, behavior, mannerisms and a personality that is NOT ME, it functions different than I do and drives me in directions I don’t want to go.
I see the reaction to Whitney’s choices and something inside cries out "me too people!" There are still times when I feel slow death of addiction's grip. My freedom in recovery sways in inconsistency and I want it's hiddenness to be seen but silent I stay.
I have confessed before that I don’t want to FULLY let go of my addiction and I've even found myself standing with Jesus telling him he'd have to love it away from me. With heals dug into the ground and arms wrapped tightly around this decision God leans into my personal space and with a face full of compassion He whispers....."I'll take that challenge" and he wraps his arms around me and my broken will.
My weeks in greater intimacy with God are pulling at the roots of my broken coping mechanism, he is blossoming a new definition of recovery. His perfect love is dissolving my flesh’s will and (as always) his humble love is melting my heart and loosening my grasp. This is the love that leads me to repentance.
This week I have practiced my right to binge and purge. The odd thing is it’s as if God and I watched it from start to finished. We discussed the shame, enslavement, cost and physical pain around it. His presence in this experience has been irreplaceable....my heart wants Him to take this; my spirit wants this space and this energy to belong to my Jesus. He is loving me away from it just like I asked, even demanded. One day at a time.
I have also spent the better part of a month in a constant state of worship and dialogue with the King of my heart. I am mesmerized by His attention, head over heals in love with my God and a slave to the righteousness he offers. I am receiving, receiving and receiving greater intimacy through the gift of my Father's presence. He has poured Himself over and inside me with such gentle consistency that I have become eager to make more space for more moments with him. I know this time is His gift to me, there’s nothing I've done to create it and yet I am desperate to do all I can to remain in it. In the depth of my core I recognize something rubbing against my availability to him, it’s taking up space, space I want Him to have. Addiction.
There has been something "weird" in my attraction to Whitney's story and the media's nonstop dialogue of her life. Sadness, grief and empathy have certainly passed through me but the "weird" lingers. This morning I watched Oprah's interview with Whitney from years ago and it hit me. Watching fame entangled with the destructions of drug & alcohol addiction gave voice to my own addiction...the lying voice. I watch her and I hear the voice of my own addiction “a thin Amy is a happy Amy, a thin Amy is more beautiful and successful - a thin Amy is the goal.” Bulimia has a voice, behavior, mannerisms and a personality that is NOT ME, it functions different than I do and drives me in directions I don’t want to go.
I see the reaction to Whitney’s choices and something inside cries out "me too people!" There are still times when I feel slow death of addiction's grip. My freedom in recovery sways in inconsistency and I want it's hiddenness to be seen but silent I stay.
I have confessed before that I don’t want to FULLY let go of my addiction and I've even found myself standing with Jesus telling him he'd have to love it away from me. With heals dug into the ground and arms wrapped tightly around this decision God leans into my personal space and with a face full of compassion He whispers....."I'll take that challenge" and he wraps his arms around me and my broken will.
My weeks in greater intimacy with God are pulling at the roots of my broken coping mechanism, he is blossoming a new definition of recovery. His perfect love is dissolving my flesh’s will and (as always) his humble love is melting my heart and loosening my grasp. This is the love that leads me to repentance.
This week I have practiced my right to binge and purge. The odd thing is it’s as if God and I watched it from start to finished. We discussed the shame, enslavement, cost and physical pain around it. His presence in this experience has been irreplaceable....my heart wants Him to take this; my spirit wants this space and this energy to belong to my Jesus. He is loving me away from it just like I asked, even demanded. One day at a time.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
My Legacy
God may this be ever true of me...
"In whatever comes my way and in all that I’ve been through that I held on to You."
"In whatever comes my way and in all that I’ve been through that I held on to You."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
My Secret's Soundtrack
God my heart is so full its impossible to maintain composure. This week you have met desires in my heart that sink deep into the mended areas of my soul; desires that sink deep into our history.
I have worshipped You in the car, on beaches, on runs, in my closet and in my own backyard with her music leading the way. I have sat in your presence while (her) music played in the background. It's my "go to" tool when stillness alone doesn't provide the safety for my own heart to surface.
The experiences are vast! Each song tied to a vision - a conversation - a invitation to climb into your lap.
A comforting melody called for the "Holy Spirit to Come" when Jesus invited me to the floor of my pain.
I am reminded that just your name can move me near and when valley's come and shadow's stay; You Are My Hallelujah.
When my addiction is bigger than my willingness to surrender
"You come around and we All Fall Down
You come and break all the lies
You’re the only reason why
I have worshipped You in the car, on beaches, on runs, in my closet and in my own backyard with her music leading the way. I have sat in your presence while (her) music played in the background. It's my "go to" tool when stillness alone doesn't provide the safety for my own heart to surface.
The experiences are vast! Each song tied to a vision - a conversation - a invitation to climb into your lap.
A comforting melody called for the "Holy Spirit to Come" when Jesus invited me to the floor of my pain.
I am reminded that just your name can move me near and when valley's come and shadow's stay; You Are My Hallelujah. When my addiction is bigger than my willingness to surrender
"You come around and we All Fall Down
You come and break all the lies
You’re the only reason why
I find myself getting strong when I’m weak
You tear down all my walls
You love me just because
All you wanted was to see me free."
God, this music is the soundtrack is our shared secrets, its part of the healing you and I've walked through.
God, this music is the soundtrack is our shared secrets, its part of the healing you and I've walked through.
Wednesday you brought Rita Springer to Gateway. When I wanted to sit on the back row and watch my church enjoy her You ask me to sit on the front row (of this gift) and let You watch me fully enjoy with reckless abandonment. It was good!
The fact that you love me and the way you love.....blows my mind!
Your Majesty, it has my attention
Your Sovereignty, it has my devotion
and You, You Still Have My Heart.
The greatest gift, more than being able to spend the day with Rita, more than watching her lead beautifully with her gift was watching You thru her... its about YOU!
Thank you for....
calling me deeper into my passion
empowering my talents with your authority
confirming what we do well together
telling me I am equally beautiful in my gifts
Allow me to receive all You have for me in this and flush out what isn't from you.
Oh How You Love Me
Thank you for....
calling me deeper into my passion
empowering my talents with your authority
confirming what we do well together
telling me I am equally beautiful in my gifts
Allow me to receive all You have for me in this and flush out what isn't from you.
Oh How You Love Me
Undeniable, Unconditional
You are to me
Undoubtedly, infinity
And oh so beautiful
Irreplaceable, unforgettable
Eternally, Unmistakable, all Merciful
And oh so beautiful
Oh how I love you
How wide, How deep, How great is your love for me
How high, how endless, and oh how beautiful
You are to me
Undoubtedly, infinity
And oh so beautiful
Irreplaceable, unforgettable
Eternally, Unmistakable, all Merciful
And oh so beautiful
Oh how I love you
How wide, How deep, How great is your love for me
How high, how endless, and oh how beautiful
Saturday, January 14, 2012
CRY-228
I spent Friday taking my unsettled state of emotions consistantly to their creator asking "what is it I need God?" While driving home last night a car cut me off...it's liscense plate "CRY-228". Permission given, permission taken....a good cry later I am settled.
What a gift to be loved by a Father that allows His great promises to sink down into the smallest of my details..."I am with you always."
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