God, You were so sweet to me yesterday and I'll confess I am slow to put my hope in your mercy as a resolve. God the days of September have been filled with moments of confusion, anxiety, and emotional discomfort; really these words dilute those emotions. As one that values my desire and ability to express myself I find myself (even in hindsight) unable to articulate this state of emotions.
God I've wondered are my emotions lying to me? Have I become a slave to their direction? Am I searching for words when You are asking me to search for You, rest in you or, perhaps, just shut up and listen? Oh geeze Father....do You see where I go? When I stand under this shadow I am unable to express my heart, I am disconnected and I find myself in a free fall.
Your mercy tells me, this free fall is what it feels like to have released control; anxiety and raw emotion abound.
Truth is, I am stretched. I am stretched at work with daily required activities that are constantly labeled CRITICAL and URGENT. I am stretched in my relationships as I venture out of the 4 safe walls of my home and allow myself "do life" with a few new friends. I am stretched in my friendships as I've stopped jockying to take the role of the giver and I practice receiving. I am exposing myself in a new way to my current community hopeful for Godly and healthy connection, connection I have limited ability to receive. I am stretched in my leadership as I've submitted myself to under the gifts of 6 leaders that lead 15 others in a ministry that carries the passion of my heart. I liken it to trusting others to raise my own children; Your children.
My hands are wide open, my heart is walking out of isolation and my spirit has found a new canyon to soar over. I am LETTING GO.
Today after confessing "I don't understand the confusion, I cant name or remove it" I've chosen to stand in it and worship the Sovereign God I know in expectancy."
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