I have an intimate relationship with a God that seemed abstract for the first 21 years of our relationship. He is without fail, the most stable person I have ever given my heart to. Our new relationship has been birthed in authenticity which has created a level of honesty in me (with him) that God has honored. It may not be pretty but it is real.
In the transforming of my mind I am being renewed. I have spent most of my life expressing myself from a foundation of courage, confidence and integrity only to find through the eyes of a new “real” that I was living in contempt and entitlement. The further I step away from the old behaviors the more clear they are. The contempt of others and idea that the world owed me something sent me further and further away from what I truly desired: courage, confidence and integrity.
I am in the middle of a 60/60 retraining of my daily habits that is to include my Heavenly Father in my head, heart and world every 60 minutes for 60 days. My beeper (watch) beeps for 10 seconds every hour. It beeps while I do yard work, at the grocery store, at work, at parties, where ever I am. “What a great tool” I thought. This relationship I cherish will reside on the tip of my tongue all day as other’s ask “what’s the beeping for?” I now have an excuse to talk about what it has been like to live in the tender heart of God.
Then on Saturday at a party I was quickly redirecting conversation when the watch was given attention and I stood on my own fears of rejection instead of the opportunity I hoped for.
My mind has argued the following questions:
Is there an appropriate time and/or place to share with others about this new love of mine?
Is the attention and approval of others more important to me than the He is; the lover of my heart?
The wonderful part…I asked God to forgive my lack of courage, to provide more safe moments in which I could share exactly what the beep means. He responded with 2 questions: “Do you trust me? Do you love me? I am your King and you have nothing to fear.”
How can I possibly keep this love quiet?
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