The voice of God is never condemning (Rom. 8:1), never harsh or accusing. His conviction brings a desire for repentance; Satan’s accusation kills our hearts (2 Cor. 7:10).
This is a reminder that God’s way of pulling me toward Him is never harsh or shame filled. I don’t get this “God’s love” thing. My biggest struggle is allowing God to define Himself to me. I put Him on the same level of those that have/have not loved me in the past.
I don’t tolerate myself very well not sure how or why He continues. The list of ways I must disappoint Him is tremendous and the fact that I willfully ignore His desires for me in front of others feels humiliating.
The thing I hoped to live above has become my reality; disappointing others, God and myself. My own thought process and attempt to accept God’s love works against me as I use it to justify that my unmet desires are undeserving. I beg God to show me His voice is not condemning or harsh – because mine is. He shows and tells me He loves me and He will never leave yet I try to prove Him wrong. I must wear Him out, lol!
A repentant heart (be careful what you pray for) has left my heart broken and fearful. My mental tapes tell me asking forgiveness is meaningless if the behavior doesn’t change, I am sure God is not as intolerant.
Living openly and authentically before others includes the ‘not perfect’ sides of Amy that I wish no one, not even God, had to see. I have a deep desire to make who He is a real part of who I am. I don’t so much fear your judgment of God because of my actions; I know He is bigger than my faults. I am however disappointed that I did not always behave as one that loves God with all her heart, mind and body.
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