A Living Sacrifice

It’s hard to grab a full experience with God in words…especially when it comes to the way His love redeems our brokenness and lifts us up with His Glory!

The way I show up for others continues to change, to grow, to mature....I believe its referred to as santification.

I know the Amy that worked SO hard as a young adult to be enough for others, enough for God, enough to be accepted, enough to be loved, enough to be worth something to Him or anybody for that matter. When those efforts proved futile and exhausting I stopped trying and instead I fed off of any form of love I could find. Years afterwards when my misery and shame where bigger than the broken love I was receiving He was kind enough to expose His voice and heart in my desperation. His bid caused this cripple to run.

So I came home, a prodigal, and was embraced by His amazing love. I walked for years unaware of most things because I was so aware of God’s attention towards me. His love was really all I knew. I existed as a beautiful daughter of the King because I saw and existed in His love for me, in our love for each other. This is the heart I took into leadership.

My inner “older brother” came to a head several months ago as God walked me through our reunion almost 8 years ago. My heart begin to melt as He gave me the vision of our reunion

Me – crawling in shame, desperate and dying
Him – crawling in humility, desperate for His daughter's return.

I watched God (my Father) willing to be on His knees so I would know I was not alone in my mess; so I would know His love was gentle. He was willing to be as small as I felt.

In the midst of this tender moment God revealed the older brother that I’ve come to be; expectant, self sufficient, controlling and anxious. I watched and was broken by my new idol - leadership….a conviction that put me next to both of them in the dirt….in the dirt with my prodigal self and the grace-filled Father; it was a vision of love that brought my heart right to the surface. A reality I have been building my riches in what I can do for Him,instead of Him.

I placed my role in leadership back on His altar and in exchange he's raised the volume of my heart, given back permission for it's tenderness, compassion and empathy.

God, you are always good.