"I'll take that challenge"

I woke up with Whitney on my mind; her gift, her heart, her family, her legacy and her addiction. Her addiction. The reality of her addiction, her reality of her addiction and my reality of her addiction. I have spent this week hearing the experts discuss the disease of addiction, the enablers in her life, the loss and waste of her gift, the attempts of rehab and the last few weeks of a rise in her addictive behaviors.
I have also spent the better part of a month in a constant state of worship and dialogue with the King of my heart. I am mesmerized by His attention, head over heals in love with my God and a slave to the righteousness he offers. I am receiving, receiving and receiving greater intimacy through the gift of my Father's presence. He has poured Himself over and inside me with such gentle consistency that I have become eager to make more space for more moments with him. I know this time is His gift to me, there’s nothing I've done to create it and yet I am desperate to do all I can to remain in it. In the depth of my core I recognize something rubbing against my availability to him, it’s taking up space, space I want Him to have. Addiction.
There has been something "weird" in my attraction to Whitney's story and the media's nonstop dialogue of her life. Sadness, grief and empathy have certainly passed through me but the "weird" lingers. This morning I watched Oprah's interview with Whitney from years ago and it hit me. Watching fame entangled with the destructions of drug & alcohol addiction gave voice to my own addiction...the lying voice. I watch her and I hear the voice of my own addiction “a thin Amy is a happy Amy, a thin Amy is more beautiful and successful - a thin Amy is the goal.” Bulimia has a voice, behavior, mannerisms and a personality that is NOT ME, it functions different than I do and drives me in directions I don’t want to go.
I see the reaction to Whitney’s choices and something inside cries out "me too people!" There are still times when I feel slow death of addiction's grip. My freedom in recovery sways in inconsistency and I want it's hiddenness to be seen but silent I stay.
I have confessed before that I don’t want to FULLY let go of my addiction and I've even found myself standing with Jesus telling him he'd have to love it away from me. With heals dug into the ground and arms wrapped tightly around this decision God leans into my personal space and with a face full of compassion He whispers....."I'll take that challenge" and he wraps his arms around me and my broken will.
My weeks in greater intimacy with God are pulling at the roots of my broken coping mechanism, he is blossoming a new definition of recovery. His perfect love is dissolving my flesh’s will and (as always) his humble love is melting my heart and loosening my grasp. This is the love that leads me to repentance.
This week I have practiced my right to binge and purge. The odd thing is it’s as if God and I watched it from start to finished. We discussed the shame, enslavement, cost and physical pain around it. His presence in this experience has been irreplaceable....my heart wants Him to take this; my spirit wants this space and this energy to belong to my Jesus. He is loving me away from it just like I asked, even demanded. One day at a time.